My name is Janet and I had an abortion in 1988. I lived in great fear of someone finding out my secret. Then in 2000 I met Jesus and He told me He loved me in spite of my awful sin. He has held my hand for the past 7 years as He guided me to victory through His Word, the Body of Christ, and His amazing wonderful love. He has given me beauty, joy, and peace for depression, fear, and self-hatred. He wants very much to do the same for you! .

My name is Cindy . I just want to begin by saying what an undeserved privilege and honor it is to be able to share my past with you. The most important thing for you to know is that it is only thru Christ that i am able to be transparent and share my past with you so that others may know the power of his presence and the hope for healing.

25 years ago, i was 17, and i found myself down the wrong path in life, pregnant. I felt alone, with no one to share my crisis with, afraid, and very naive. I ended up at a very cold and uncaring center, and i allowed myself to be convinced by others to take my child’s life thru abortion. Immediately after, i just wanted to bury all the hurt, pain, and shame deep inside of me and never go there again. It became my "hidden secret". Other than telling a close friend in college and my wonderful husband john, that god blessed me with later in life, i silently suffered with my "hidden secret" for 25 years.

When i say silently suffered, i mean when i heard or saw the word "abortion", my face would immediately flush, my heart would race, my whole body would temporarily become paralyzed by all the shame and hurt i held inside. When you hold inside of you that big of a hurt, pain, shame, and sin for as long as i did, it has to come out sooner or later. For me it was thru eating disorders, spuratic depression, lack of confidence, and guilt. The enemy literally had a hay-day with me.

But you can’t run from the truth forever. About 6 years ago, i realized i just couldn’t hide any more hurt inside of me. One particular night, i wasn’t able to sleep. I didn’t want to disturb my husband so i went into our closet, sat on the floor, and began crying out to god to help me get rid of this hurt i held inside of me. I knew i couldn’t do it on my own any longer, nor did i want to. You see, at that point in my life, i loved and believed in god, but i didn’t know him. I didn’t know his word or have a personal relationship with him.

That night, crying out in my closet, i opened my bible to matthew 11:29, and god’s word spoke to me. He told me to "take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for i am gentle and humble at heart, and thru me, you will find rest for your soul". And that is exactly what i needed to hear at that moment. From that point on, i began seeking the lord with all my heart, soul, and mind. Over the next couple of years, he revealed himself to me. I surrendered my life to him. From that point, the lord really began transforming my heart.

One day i was sitting in an audience listening to someone share their testimony, and the lord whispered, "cindy you have a testimony to share", and i immediately said," oh no lord, i could never do that, i’m not a speaker, and how could i begin to talk about my past?". That was the beginning of him preparing my heart to speak out for him.

In the fall of 2006, my husband and i took a study together at our church called "confronting the controversies". In that study god’s word came alive for me about my abortion thru 1 timothy 1:

12-16 where paul talks about his past as a sinner, but thru christ’s grace, love, and forgiveness, he had the honor of becoming a vessel for him. I immediately felt the holy spirit connect me to paul’s past, and begin convincing my heart that there was hope for forgiveness for someone like me. God knew i was still struggling with that.

In january 2007, i was in a bible study called s.h.a.p.e. which is all about how god uses our heart, ability, personality and life experience to do his works. It was thru that study that god started speaking to me about using my past, and for the first time, i started to comprehend that he wanted to use my "hidden secret" to help others. In my heart i knew that meant in order for god to do that, i was going to have to step out of my safe zone and reveal my wounds. But after 25 years of keeping that shame and hurt inside of me, the enemy had gained a huge strong hold on me. All that time i didn’t realize i was allowing the enemy to keep me from being completely free in christ and experiencing the depth of his healing. But the lord knows everything about us, especially our weaknesses. He also knows exactly what we need and when we need it. Some people just need a soft whisper to understand god’s call. At that moment in time, i needed a brick from heaven to fall down and hit me, helping me to listen to god’s call!!

On april 13th, 2007, god dropped that brick and i experienced a divine intervention involving a minor car accident where no one got hurt, which led to a bystander asking for us to pray with her as she accepted christ, that connected me to a friend that would lead me to the place where god wanted me to do his will. All orchestrated by god in a matter of minutes!! That day changed my life forever!!

He got my attention and led me right to a pregnancy center. I was scared to death to walk thru that front door. But i knew he was with me, right beside me, holding my hand. I felt his presence.

The irony was that this time the center was full of kind and loving people that taught me god’s truth. I was introduced to "first steps" healing bible study and connected with myrtzie and janet. I began to experience god’s many blessings. As i grew stronger in the lord’s healing, he began preparing my heart again for speaking out for him. But i was still allowing my shame to hold me in strong chains of bondage .

One night i was so heavy hearted with shame i couldn’t sleep. The thought of speaking in public about my past burdened me. Then god spoke out to me so clear. He said, "cindy, this is not your story, this is my story, and i want you to share it with others so they will know the power of my presence". All i could say was, "here i am lord, i will be transparent for you".

One of the greatest blessings came the next day. It just so happened to be our day of the study. I showed up all choked up from my night before and as we talked, i realized i was still struggling with forgiving myself, because i wasn’t receiving christ’s forgiveness. He was offering it, but i needed to accept it. Myrtzie said to me in her kind and loving voice, "cindy, does christ need to die for you all over again? He has forgiven you, now you need to forgive yourself." that was an epiphany for me. Those words rung over and over in my head and humbled my heart. Our class that day was full of god’s word all about his loving, merciful forgiveness. And that day i laid all my chains at the foot of his cross and knew i was free. Thank you god.

I believe he was waiting for me to accept his forgiveness to give me his next blessing of healing. Thru much prayer, the next blessing god revealed to me was my child in heaven. As i prayed i felt a peace about thinking i had a son. Because of my heart’s connection to paul, i prayed about maybe his name was paul, but the lord spoke to me again and led me to 1 timothy 1:2, "unto timothy, my own son in the faith: grace, mercy, and peace, from god our father and jesus christ our lord". I knew in my heart i had a son in heaven named timothy. Then god spoke to me further reminding me about my connection to paul and his love for timothy. To me that was a confirmation to add paul on the end as my connection to my son. On october 15, 2007, we had a beautiful ceremony in honor of timothy-paul’s life. I thank the lord for revealing him to me, thru his grace and mercy, and i look forward to holding my son in heaven someday.

At the end of our healing study we receive these adorable "mercy bears" as a reminder of our children and god’s merciful love and forgiveness. My next blessing came thru this bear.

John and i are blessed with two beautiful children, evan and sophia. Sophia is 12, and i had been praying for god to give me the right opportunity to share with her about my past. One day god opened up that door for her and i to talk. She took in every thing i told her, but i could tell she was processing my words with her head and not her heart. God assured me her heart would come later ,to just be patient. Days later, my mercy bear was sitting in our bedroom and as i walked by, i noticed something extra in his pouch. It was a typed letter that someone had placed in there. I took it out, opened it up and read it. Here is what it said:
"i will meet you at the gate. I am telling you this so you won’t be late. You are my mother and god is my heavenly father. I see you every day. I look down on you during the good times and the hard times. I am happy up here because there is no pain and no hurt. I wish i could hear your comforting voice. Don’t remember the hurt from this. God has forgiven all his children including you. Love, your first born son timothy. 1 timothy 1:2"

Sophia had written this note, secretly placed it in my bear, then waited for me to read it. I realized that day that sophia allowed her heart to receive her older brother, timothy-paul. The beautiful part is that she also allowed god’s mercy and grace to flow thru her heart forever touching my heart with her words of acceptance and forgiveness. Words can’t express how much that meant to me.

All of these undeserved blessings that i have received could only have come from our merciful father in heaven. Abortion hurts everyone. There is nothing my heart desires more than for anyone affected by it to receive the depth of christ’s healing and know the incredible power of his beautiful presence. To glorify god and in honor of my lost child, i will continue to devote my life to helping others embrace christ, know his truth, and choose life